pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
