Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
