I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
We need to rekindle our bromance
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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