I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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