You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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