Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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