i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
