I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
