He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds