Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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