A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
