If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
