i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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