Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I think I won the penis lottery.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
