No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
