she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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