you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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