He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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