I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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