There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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