If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize