we have pet lesbian snakes
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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