The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
