I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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