I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
