He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
