Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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