Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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