so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
