just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize