she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
