The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
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In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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