My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize