did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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