I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
