Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
