he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
