I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Randomize
