Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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