Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
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No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
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YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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