his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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