I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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