if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
