I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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