On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
