The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
