I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
