Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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