Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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