hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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