the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
