Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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