my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
