dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
