i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
There r osticjed everywhere
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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